Alone
by edmundblack
Summary: /And she wept/ She wanted to be alone (or so she told herself, liar)


**For the Greek Mythology Challenge – Circe, and for the New Year's Resolution Challenge – Write something in the Founders' Era - $80. **

Rowena was hidden in the shadows, and for that, she was grateful (mostly, always mostly.) Her father raged and stormed at her brothers and little Rowena, only nine, hid away, watching as her father cursed them and hit them in a drunken rage. Her fingers trembled, as did her lips, but she kept quiet – noise would mean death, the girl knew that already.

0-0-0

And now she was eleven and that was the traditional age to get your first wand. Her father was somewhere, probably drinking himself into a stupor, so she took the gold coins off of the little wooden table and found the Ollivanders herself. Talented, they whispered, as they carved her wand long into the night. And when it met her hand it felt like just an extension of her arm, and that was good, unusual, but good. And she dumped little silvery coins on the counter and she was given a spellbook, as well, and she crept home under the cover of dark.

0-0-0

And she's thirteen, now, and her mother's brother, Harold Hufflepuff, is visiting with his daughter Helga, who is a year younger than her. And together they sit on her little mattress in the night, carefully pouring over the pages of her spellbook (really, it's a scroll, but she has heard of books and likes to call it that). And Helga whispers, "What if?" And they begin devising (demising, perhaps? For this would work them to death.) They draw a school. And they're only girls, but Rowena can charm with her eyes shut and Helga can identify any plant by just scent. But it's funny to compare the two, for Helga is a squat, well-loved little girl with a father who cares for her, and she is obviously well-fed and happy with red on her cheeks. And next to her, Rowena looks even thinner and paler than usual, with high cheekbones and dark hair and a gaunt, empty face and bruises were you wouldn't expect them to be. But they get along anyways, and Rowena envies Helga, but keeps her mouth shut.

0-0-0

Rowena is fifteen, a woman now, really, and her cousin is bringing home suitors, and the one who stays for the longest is Godric, Godric Gryffindor who is rich and brave and dreams of being a knight. He cradles plump Helga in his arms and brings her flowers and Rowena wishes she had somebody like that to care for her, because she is never faced with a lover in the morning, just her little list of spells. And she has nearly convinced herself that it is better that way, better to never love than to always lose. Rowena smiles and the niceties roll off her tongue because she knows what is expected of her, but secretly she analyzes and then lies to herself saying that he isn't that good, that nobody is that good and that she should focus on her spells instead of searching for a soulmate.

0-0-0

Twenty, and Godric is in on the plans and decides to help them build the castle, which Rowena insists will be built in Scotland, near her home, because even though he was drunk and half-dead she wants her father to be proud. _Look what I have bought to our name, Daddy. _But the last time she said that was when she was little and she was rewarded with a slap across the face. And now Salazar comes, he is one of Godric's friends, aristocratic with girls from every village trailing behind him. Rowena is disgusted, the girls are throwing their lives away, and it's another reminder not to slip, not to have feelings because they will hurt her so badly. And it's better to be alone than be broken.

0-0-0

And they pair off, Helga and Godric the nice ones, they plan the comfort of the students and who to invite and all the human, humane things. Salazar and Rowena work together on the architecture and the classes and plans for who will teach after their death. She nearly slips, very nearly slips one night when the moon is in full force and they're sitting closer than she should allow herself and Rowena weakens and wants to fall into his arms. But she doesn't, she is iron and fire and rage and she will not let herself succumb, she will not become one of the girls lusting at his feet. So she stays alone, and tells herself she is not lonely.

0-0-0

Twenty-two and they have chosen a location, and they work in their four, ironing out every last detail because it must be perfect, and Godric and Helga want to build it soon because that is where they want to get married, and sometimes Salazar slips too and fixes her hair, just in passing, or smiles at her for nothing. And she digs her fingers in, everywhere, because she remembers the screaming and her brothers and her father. _Worthless, stupid wench, you are. _He is tricking her, he must be, he must be,

0-0-0

And it is the first night, the night before the students come and she is in her chambers and she weeps, because her tall tower is so lonely and empty and all she can hear is herself and her own thoughts and the screaming inside her head.

_Bang. Bang. Bang._


End file.
